CAUTION!
The following is a satirical essay intended to educate the reader in the absurd practice of labeling others. See “labeling theory“.
As every gardener knows, if you want to grow a beautiful garden you have to get out there and pull out the weeds. In America today, it is clear that many believe that the same is true for creating a beautiful society. No one understood the importance of weeding the garden better than the industrious and well organized Nazis who developed a system to identify weeds by affixing colored triangular patches to the most undesirable species. It makes sense that we should look to their pioneering efforts for guidance and then build on their accomplishments.

Nazi Weed Labeling System
The Nazi Weed Labeling System
Yellow triangles were used to identify Jews who everyone who was not a Jew agreed, were smart and cunning disciples of Satan, motivated by greed. It also helped to know that they killed Christ.
Red triangles were used to mark dissenting politicos who undermined the beliefs of true believers.
Green triangles were used to identify the habitual criminals who routinely stole, robbed, conned, and otherwise cheated good citizens.
Blue triangles were used to identify foreign laborers who lived and worked on the margins of society for low wages but enjoyed none of the rights of citizens . Today we call them “wet backs”.
Pink triangles were used to identify homosexual men and other sexual offenders such as pedophiles and chronic masturbators. Women were exempted, presumably because they’re “hot”.
Purple triangles were used to identify religious dissenters like Jehovah’s Witnesses, Bible Students, Quakers, Seventh-Day Adventists, and had they been around, chanting Hari Krishnas, I’m sure.
Black triangles were used as a sort of catch-all for “a-socials” including anarchists and other generally disagreeable types.
Brown triangles were used for genetically inferior types such as the mentally retarded, alcoholics, vagrants, prostitutes, and “work shy” malingerers. Gypsies and Slavs were included in this group.
The ingenious identification system also allowed for the combining of triangles to mark various varieties of weeds. For example, a black triangle superimposed over a yellow triangle was used to identify an normal person who consorted with Jews. They were known as “race defilers”.
Interestingly, no triangle was used to identify sub-human dark-skinned people, presumably this cost saving measure was adopted because dark-skinned people could be readily identified without the aid of an identification triangle.
Toward the end of WWII, the Nazis realized that they had just scratched the surface of their weed labeling system’s potential. With the war nearly at an end, and their demise a foregone conclusion, they rushed out a last minute catch-all legislation called the “Community Alien” law which focused more on undesirable behavior and less on racial criteria.
“A community alien is: (i) anyone who, by his personality and way of life… shows himself unable to satisfy the minimal demands of the national community by his own efforts; (2.) anyone who (a) from work-shyness or frivolity leads a useless, spendthrift, or disorderly life … or (b) from a tendency or inclination to…. minor criminal offences, or from a tendency to disorderliness while drunk, grossly violates his duty to sustain the national community, or (c) persistently disturbs the general peace through irritability or pleasure in quarreling, or (3) anyone whose personality and way of life make it clear that their natural tendency is to commit serious crimes.”
You’ve got to admit that when it came to gardening, the Nazis were as committed as it gets, but in their rush to finish their good works, they ended up painting with too broad a brush.
Today we are are not under the same time constraints as the Nazis. Not only do we have more time, but we know so much more. We no longer subscribe to Nazi-like racial stereotypes — well mostly not — but we have become very adept when it comes to identifying and labeling people who exhibit weed-like behavior. In the light of our more sophisticated knowledge, we can use the power of labeling to make a better world. Below, I offer a more enlightened “Enhanced Weed Identification Guide and Labeling System” so that good Americans can go about greening their nation with greater precision and compassion. Read more…