There have been a quite few rumors that our competition will be launching decoy balloons designed to thwart your identification efforts and deny me us our $40,000 award. With only 28 hours to go before our Department of Defense launches their balloons, I am providing this CONFIDENTIAL “DoD Red-Balloon Finder’s Identification Guide.” also referred to as an R-FIG.
Although this balloon is red and despite evidence to the contrary, the clown face is a sure sign that it is not DoD.
This balloon looks very DoD, but it is actually a UFO hoax balloon with a boy named Falcon not inside. It is also not red.
The jet fighter trailing this balloon is definitely DoD but because the balloon is being dragged at Mach 2 and its location cannot be fixed, it is not a DARPA DoD balloon.
This balloon may or may not be DoD. You will need to investigate to make a determination.
This tank is covered with DoD balloons of many colors, but some are definitely red. Record the location of the biggest red balloon.
The camouflage on this red balloon should not deceive you. This is definitely a DoD balloon.
With the Pentagon below, you should have no doubt of the DoD provenience of this red balloon. Report to me immediately.
This balloon has Osama bin Laden inside it. We wish it was DoD but it is not. DoD can’t find Osama.
This red balloon is clearly DoD but it is probably not a DARPA balloon. When confirming this, approach with caution or you will be DOA.