Gardening Tips for a Better America

CAUTION!
The following is a satirical essay intended to educate the reader in the absurd practice of labeling others. See “labeling theory“.

As every gardener knows, if you want to grow a beautiful garden you have to get out there and pull out the weeds. In America today, it is clear that many believe that the same is true for creating a beautiful society. No one understood the importance of weeding the garden better than the industrious and well organized Nazis who developed a system to identify weeds by affixing colored triangular patches to the most undesirable species. It makes sense that we should look to their pioneering efforts for guidance and then build on their accomplishments.

The Nazi Weed Labeling System

Yellow triangles were used to identify Jews who everyone who was not a Jew agreed, were smart and cunning disciples of Satan, motivated by greed. It also helped to know that they killed Christ.

Red triangles were used to mark dissenting politicos who undermined the beliefs of true believers.

Green triangles were used to identify the habitual criminals who routinely stole, robbed, conned, and otherwise cheated good citizens.

Blue triangles were used to identify foreign laborers who lived and worked on the margins of society for low wages but enjoyed none of the rights of citizens . Today we call them “wet backs”.

Pink triangles were used to identify homosexual men and other sexual offenders such as pedophiles and chronic masturbators. Women were exempted, presumably because they’re “hot”.

Purple triangles were used to identify religious dissenters like Jehovah’s Witnesses, Bible Students, Quakers, Seventh-Day Adventists, and had they been around, chanting Hari Krishnas, I’m sure.

Black triangles were used as a sort of catch-all for “a-socials” including anarchists and other generally disagreeable types.

Brown triangles were used for genetically inferior types such as the mentally retarded, alcoholics, vagrants, prostitutes, and “work shy” malingerers. Gypsies and Slavs were included in this group.

The ingenious identification system also allowed for the combining of triangles to mark various varieties of weeds. For example, a black triangle superimposed over a yellow triangle was used to identify an normal person who consorted with Jews. They were known as “race defilers”.

Interestingly, no triangle was used to identify sub-human dark-skinned people, presumably this cost saving measure was adopted because dark-skinned people could be readily identified without the aid of an identification triangle.

Toward the end of WWII, the Nazis realized that they had just scratched the surface of their weed labeling system’s potential. With the war nearly at an end, and their demise a foregone conclusion, they rushed out a last minute catch-all legislation called the “Community Alien” law which focused more on undesirable behavior and less on racial criteria.

“A community alien is: (i) anyone who, by his personality and way of life…  shows himself unable to satisfy the minimal demands of the national community by his own efforts; (2.) anyone who (a) from work-shyness or frivolity leads a useless, spendthrift, or disorderly life … or (b) from a tendency or inclination to…. minor criminal offences, or from a tendency to disorderliness while drunk, grossly violates his duty to sustain the national community, or (c) persistently disturbs the general peace through irritability or pleasure in quarreling, or (3) anyone whose personality and way of life make it clear that their natural tendency is to commit serious crimes.”

You’ve got to admit that when it came to gardening, the Nazis were as committed as it gets, but in their rush to finish their good works, they ended up painting with too broad a brush.

Today we are are not under the same time constraints as the Nazis. Not only do we have more time, but we know so much more. We no longer subscribe to Nazi-like racial stereotypes — well mostly not — but we have become very adept when it comes to identifying and labeling people who exhibit weed-like behavior. In the light of our more sophisticated knowledge, we can use the power of labeling to make a better world. Below, I offer a more enlightened “Enhanced Weed Identification Guide and Labeling System” so that good Americans can go about greening their nation with greater precision and compassion.

NOTICE: I hereby release the following “Enhanced Weed Identification Guide” and accompanying labels to the Public Domain. You are free to print and copy these materials for the sole purpose of identifying and labeling weeds in your own garden. By doing so, you will be helping others to avoid watering and feeding weeds, which will cause those weeds to wither and die. If for any reason, your weeds do not wither and die, click here to order a large bottle of Ortho’s “Weed-B-Gone“, which can be applied with a conventional sprayer. In situations in which your weed infestation is particularly severe, Weed-B-Gone can be applied in the form of a gas. Please read instructions carefully before use.

ENHANCED WEED IDENTIFICATION GUIDE AND LABELING SYSTEM

Smoking Weeds

Smoking weeds tend to be shorter-lived than good plants. During their shortened lives, they choke out the air breathed by desirable plants in the garden. The greatest threat is that they add to the pollution produced by the things good plants like to use, like their polluting automobiles and gases created by industries that make the stuff they buy and the electricity produced so that they can play with the stuff they own. To put the danger in perspective, consider this. A Smoking Weed that consumes one pack a day of cigarettes will produce, during the sum total of years making up his shortened lifetime, about the same amount of noxious gases produced by one non-smoking family’s trip to Disneyland in their Toyota Prius. Anyway, smoking weeds also contribute to global warming and generally offend the nosey sensibilities of good Toyota Prius driving plants.

Obese Weeds

Another shorter-lived weed, obese weeds steal from good plants by consuming more than their fair share of nutrients. They also end up needing more special attention which steals gardener (i.e. medical) services from good plants. Even more than these objective measures of weediness, good plants just don’t like looking at obese plants. It depresses them unless the obese plants are comedians, which makes them even funnier.

Arrogant Weeds (aka “smarty pants” weeds)

Smarty pants weeds think too much and think too much of themselves. They are perpetual malcontents. They don’t accept things as they are, no matter how warm the sun, wet the water, and big their flat screen TVs. They spoil every party by crowding out the happy thoughts that are so important to robust plant growth. They are just incapable of accepting the adage that, “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.”

Israeli Weeds

Being a “Jew” has a rather racial tone, while being an Israeli if more along the lines of behavioral, which puts things in a more “scientific” perspective. Beyond that though, the weediness of Israeli’s is pretty seen as being the same as it was back in the Nazi days. It seems some things never change. Although there aren’t all that many of them, as the Nazi’s made clear, they’re sneaky, cunning, and can hide among the good plants. They oppress good plants in any garden they happen to be in, in ways that seem to defy explanation. Fortunately for the good plants, most of them are now concentrated in Israel where they can be controlled and eradicated with relative ease when “the time” comes. Nevertheless, enough of these weeds remain scattered around in secret cabals to make continued vigilance necessary. Oh ya! Did I mention that they killed Christ?

Islamic Weeds

Islamic Weeds weren’t always a problem because they only grow in areas that good plants can’t grow, like barren deserts, inhospitable mountains. and anthill like places like Indonesia. That all changed when the good plants started needing to lube their cars and run their toys. Now the good plants have to interact with the Islamic weeds and the mix is not working out very well. The Islamic weeds have started looking upon the good plants as weeds and themselves as the good plants. Good plants don’t like be treated like weeds! You get the picture.

Fast Food Weeds

Fast food weeds are closely related to obese weeds. They thrive on corn syrup and chemical additives that transform them from good plants into weeds. It may be possible to force feed fast food weeds on organic whole foods and white wine and by labeling bad foods and legislating their consumption of trans-fats, salt, corn syrup and the like. If that doesn’t work, they will become obese weeds and should be re-labeled accordingly.

Teaching Weeds

It has long been recognized that plants that teach other plants are basically along for a free ride, but thanks to the Obama administration, it has now become clear that many of those freeloaders don’t even teach very well. Through the use of scientific testing, it has now become possible to identify teachers who are weedy freeloaders and pluck them from the garden as necessary.

Stupid Weeds

Stupid weeds are best identified when they are still mere spouts. IQ testing is one means of spotting them, but that’s not very cost effective. A better means is to visit schools where plants are just getting started. Stupid weeds are the ones sitting in the back of classes. They are also the ones who get poor test scores and “D”s and “F”s on their report cards. By consistently labeling these weeds, they will be confined to areas of the garden where they will receive less nutrients and do the least harm. As they mature, they will become Welfare Weeds (see below) and failing that, will certainly become Old Weeds (also see below), at which time they can be dealt with accordingly.

Gender Insensitive Weeds

Some of the smaller and more tender plants in the garden become bitter when bigger, more virile plants start throwing their weight around, sucking up more nutrients and water than they should. In order to ensure peace in the garden, excessively virile plants can be classified as weeds on a case-by-case basis. Many factors need to be considered when doing so. For example, some tender plants actually show a preference for virile plants when younger, but become increasingly bitter as they age, while other tenders are bitter right from the very start.

Old Weeds

Old plants become tough, woody, brittle, and sour, but they continue to consume valuable nutrients and water. They also get fragile and require excessive attention from the gardener. There comes a point at which they are best regarded as weeds at which point they they should be so labeled and segregated from the more vibrantly growing plants in the garden. In most cases old weeds will wither and die in short order without intervention, but aggressive segregation can do much to expedite the process.

Welfare Weeds

Generally speaking, welfare weeds were stupid weeds when they were just sprouts. Having received less nutrients and water during their formative years, they matured into weak and incredibly gullible plants that cannot compete with the good plants in the garden. They become a burden on good plants by sucking off nutrients in the form of food stamps and welfare payments paid for by smarter taxpaying, plants. They also watch NASCAR on TV, shop at discount stores like WalMart, and have incredibly bad taste in clothing and furniture.

Atheists Weeds

Atheists weeds are a variant of smarty pants weeds because they claim they don’t believe in a higher power. Often they are a combination of Smarty Pants and Jew Weeds. They are actually in league with Satan, who wants to undermine the true belief of good plants that is so important to healthy growth and happiness. Since no one likes atheist weeds, they tend to hide and pretty much keep to themselves. They can be tricky to spot though, because they don’t suck up much in the way of nutrients, but it is important to be ever-vigilant, lest these weeds get a foothold and start reproducing rapidly. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Wow! My guide is already getting pretty long but there’s so much more! Just off the top of my head I can think of Drunken Indian Weeds, Illegal Immigrant Weeds, Socialist Weeds, Baby-killer Weeds, Eco-unfriendly Weeds, and on and on. No wonder the Nazi’s ended up enacting their catch-all “Community Aliens” laws. Keeping a garden green and happy is a big job but what the heck, American ingenuity will find a way. After all, in our prisons, we’ve already segregated more weeds per capita than any nation on earth!

Here’s to a weed free garden!